My Divorce Story
Beginning of the End
I was married for 12 years when my ex-husband asked for a divorce in Aug 2021. At the time, we were fighting constantly. Realizing that he was cheating on me destroyed my trust for him. So, I was unhappy in the relationship, but I was still trying to make it work. I guess he no longer wanted to try.
A Turning Point in November
In September 2021, my ex-husband filed for divorce. By that point, I was prepared. After he asked for the divorce, we began talking about life after marriage and what it would mean for our family. We were actually getting along pretty well despite knowing that our relationship was coming to an end. However, near the end of November that all changed.
For months, my oldest daughter had been dealing with acne. Just like many teens dealing with acne issues, she was very self-conscious about it. Despite how sensitive of an issue this was, one day my ex-mother-in-law decided that it would be ok to start making fun of my daughter's acne. She told my daughter that her acne made it look like she had popcorn all over her face. I tried to explain to her that the way she was speaking to my daughter could really hurt her self-esteem. My ex-mother-in-law flipped on me and started to argue. She said that my daughter needed toughen up. My ex-mother-in-law was very controlling. She felt like she knew everything, and she felt as if everyone else was stupid. Up to that point, I never argued with her. I was the type of person that avoided conflict with my elders, but that day enough was enough. I got down to her level and argued right back. My ex-husband usually agreed with whatever his mom said. But that day, I was expecting him to come to his daughter’s defense. He knew how sensitive she was about her acne issues. However, my ex-husband just took his mother’s side in this was well. After a little while of arguing I realized no matter what I said, they were not going to hear me out. I was so disappointed and just left the house to cool down. I went for a walk and when I came back to the home, I ignored both of them and went straight to my room and closed the door. After the argument my ex-husband and I stopped sleeping in the same room. Our relationship became much colder. It was like we were just roommates.
Deciding to Move Out
In the divorce agreement, my ex-husband got to keep the house. I felt I could not maintain the house all by myself. So, he bought out my portion of the mortgage. I kept primary custody of my 2 children. However, he kept full custody of my stepdaughter. After the argument about the way my ex-mother-in-law was speaking to our daughter, his true side started showing. I began to realize that never really knew the person I had been married to all these years. I was planning to stay in the house until July of 2022. However, I moved out in December of 2021. By that point, our relationship had become so argumentative. I could find a moment of peace in my own home. My family was also encouraging me to move out early. They feared that it was not safe for me to stay in the house while going through the divorce. At the time, my sister offered for me to stay at her house with my children until I got back on my feet. So, just to be safe, I took her up on that offer. If you are going through a divorce and don’t feel safe living with your so-to-be ex-spouse, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Contact a family member or a friend. You would be surprised how willing people are to help. If you don’t know anyone in your area, there is still hope. There are plenty of resources available to people in your situation. Here are some good places to start:
Finding Legal Representation
After my ex-husband served me with divorce papers I had to scramble to find an attorney to represent me. Never having gone through a divorce before, I turned to friends and acquaintances to see if anyone knew a good lawyer. I thought I got lucky when a co-worker recommended a great attorney. I started working with the attorney that my co-worker recommended. At first, everything seemed great. However, after paying the attorney’s retainer, she became almost impossible to get a hold of. I quickly realized that she had no support staff and no secretary. I began to fear that she did not have the resources needed to show my case the attention it required. So January 2022, I decided to change my divorce attorney. The new divorce attorney took her time to review all the documents and discuss the divorce with me in detail. Looking back on this, I regret not doing my own research at the start and taking the time to interview the divorce attorney before agreeing to work with them. If I can give three pieces of advice they would be to research, research, research your attorney before paying them one dime.
Shocking News
During the divorce, I found out through the grapevine, that my ex-husband had a newborn baby boy. He had the child with the same woman that he cheated on me with. To make things worse, I also found out that she and the child moved into my former home, not long after I moved out. For more details on this revelation read Shocking News.
Resolution
My ex-husband and I went through two sessions of mediation before we could agree on the terms of the divorce. After a long, tedious, and expensive divorce in May of 2023, our marriage was officially dissolved. I learned enough from the divorce and it’s aftermath to fill a book. But I can summarize it in ten points:
- Trust is Fragile:
- Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and once broken, it can be difficult to repair. It's important to address and confront issues head-on rather than letting them fester.
- Protect Your Children:
- Always prioritize your children's well-being, especially during a divorce. Shield them from toxic family dynamics and support their emotional needs.
- Seek Support:
- Don't be afraid to ask for help from family, friends, or professional services when going through a difficult divorce. There are many resources available to assist you.
- Do Your Research:
- Thoroughly research and vet any professionals you hire to help with your divorce. This can save you time, money, and additional stress.
- Stand Up for Yourself:
- It's important to stand up for yourself and your loved ones, even if it means confronting difficult people or situations.
- Know When to Leave:
- Recognize when a living situation becomes unhealthy, unbearable, or unsafe. Take steps to ensure your safety and peace of mind, even if it means moving out sooner than planned.
- Prepare for the Unexpected:
- Be prepared for unexpected revelations and changes during a divorce. Accepting and adapting to new realities is crucial for moving forward.
- Maintain Dignity and Respect:
- Throughout the divorce process, strive to maintain your dignity and respect, even when dealing with challenging or hurtful situations.
- Prioritize Your Mental Health:
- Take care of your mental health by seeking therapy or counseling if needed. A strong support system is vital during times of emotional upheaval.
- Focus on the Future:
- Although the divorce process is challenging, focus on building a better future for yourself and your children. Use this time to rediscover your independence and strength.
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